Hello again...

I feel like I've disappeared for awhile. I've been keeping to myself and learning to grow on my own in a new place. But mostly I've been trying to cope with a stigmatized and misunderstood mood disorder that has plagued my consciousness for the last- however many years...

Pregnancy was not my friend. And with it came not only physical, but mental illness. Postpartum was a nightmare- only to be exacerbated by an unfaithful spouse. My divorce sent me reeling and I felt like I was on the brink of insanity for a long time. But here I am now (after seeking proper care) - finally getting a grasp on what I'm dealing with and remembering who I was before bipolar disorder took over my life.

It's 12 am and instead of sleeping I'm writing a blog post (and singing at the top of my lungs/ bouncing off the walls- sorry neighbors). I believe the DSM would define this as a hypomanic episode. Though I've been pretty stable for about two or three months- I've begun to have breakthrough symptoms... I'm grateful that these bouts of mania/depression/mixed states are nothing like what they were just six months ago.

I wish I could put into words what it feels to be in the throws of mania or depression. Occasionally I stumble upon some ramblings in a journal or on my notepad of exactly what I was experiencing in that moment (because writing is a good release for me):

"A hot heavy blanket suffocates me slowly.. It presses and spreads into every corner of my sensibility and blackens all of my perceptions. It condenses all of the oxygen I inhale and fills my chest - and twists and writhes into an unbearable anguish- fiercely morphing from emotional torment to tangible, physical pain.... But I think it's the hollow interstice that's even worse. My mind is so quiet and unprovoked. The only responsiveness stems out of anger or irritability. Nothing is beautiful, nothing is magnificent. Existence simply lingers.... Something is happening though - it is always calm before the storm. And I can sense the impending threat of an unpredictable maniacal episode that is sure to return at a moment's notice..."

It sounds dramatic, even to me who wrote it... But anyone who's experienced it knows..

I've fallen off the radar because I wasn't ready to talk about it (and for the record I still am not), but I really have nothing else to talk about. While I read about my friend's marriages, babies, diy projects,  and achievements - it's all I can do to keep my sanity together. Each day is a struggle.

I have been blessed by a new doctor that has listened to me, wonderful friends, ward, and family members who are forced to listen to me, and Heavenly Father who always listens to me and answers my prayers (even when I don't listen to Him).

I posted this picture on Instagram a few weeks ago:

I captioned it: "Happiness". And while that may seem like a pretty standard picture and caption- it was truly the first time I felt actual happiness (not feigned or manic) in years.

And as I sat in my driveway with my little boy, coloring with sidewalk chalk on a beautiful fall day - I realized that I could feel happiness again despite this awful disorder that has taken over my mind.

And for now- that very simple realization is enough.

(PS. Please be kind. This was real hard to write about.)

Alone.

I have tried so many times to sit down and compile my thoughts into a coherent blog post. Each time I've ended up with a jumble of unpleasant ramblings. I'm trying to move away from negativity - even though I'm not really past feeling negative. This place where I've arrived is good. But occasionally I still hurt.

I've never been alone for quite this long. Serious and not-so-serious boyfriends- I've pretty much had constant companionship since I was 14... I never thought it was a problem until my marriage ended. It's a scary thing to be alone. But it's a scarier thing to not know how to be alone.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post for my capstone graduation class. I set a goal to become independent and self-sufficient. At the time I wrote that post I wasn't really interested in becoming either one of those things. I actually just wanted to find someone or something to make me feel better... All that led to was more heartbreak and disappointment.

Over the last 2 years I've spent countless nights wondering "what's wrong with me?" - And being angry at the people who abandoned me. I blamed God for allowing all of these horrible things to happen and I constantly justified my feelings of blame...

I was slow reaching the conclusion that everything that has happened to me is not a reflection of who I am or what I've done. And I mean, really slow.. Like I said, I spent most of my nights dwelling on the past and harboring feelings of anger and bitterness- it was a vicious cycle that led to nothing but personal suffering.

But little by little I decided to let the bitterness go. Each day- being alone became easier... I took baby steps towards independence. And here I am now.

I look at some of the people I've had relationships with and realize now that it's not me- it never was. It is a sad thing : the inability to face loneliness. But not so much that I would ever take advantage of someone because of my own insecurities.

I'm in a good place now, a new place. I am starting fresh. I'm healthy. and I'm learning to find happiness. I'm alone and it's okay.
I actually am learning to like it.

I have my little boy and he's really all I need. 

Change

A few weeks ago it hit me- like a ton of bricks.

I used to be someone so much better.
and who I have been is not who I am.

It's time for some life changes...
I've wallowed in enough self-pity. My life is what I make of it. And this year I'm going to make it great.