Alone.

I have tried so many times to sit down and compile my thoughts into a coherent blog post. Each time I've ended up with a jumble of unpleasant ramblings. I'm trying to move away from negativity - even though I'm not really past feeling negative. This place where I've arrived is good. But occasionally I still hurt.

I've never been alone for quite this long. Serious and not-so-serious boyfriends- I've pretty much had constant companionship since I was 14... I never thought it was a problem until my marriage ended. It's a scary thing to be alone. But it's a scarier thing to not know how to be alone.

A little over a year ago I wrote a blog post for my capstone graduation class. I set a goal to become independent and self-sufficient. At the time I wrote that post I wasn't really interested in becoming either one of those things. I actually just wanted to find someone or something to make me feel better... All that led to was more heartbreak and disappointment.

Over the last 2 years I've spent countless nights wondering "what's wrong with me?" - And being angry at the people who abandoned me. I blamed God for allowing all of these horrible things to happen and I constantly justified my feelings of blame...

I was slow reaching the conclusion that everything that has happened to me is not a reflection of who I am or what I've done. And I mean, really slow.. Like I said, I spent most of my nights dwelling on the past and harboring feelings of anger and bitterness- it was a vicious cycle that led to nothing but personal suffering.

But little by little I decided to let the bitterness go. Each day- being alone became easier... I took baby steps towards independence. And here I am now.

I look at some of the people I've had relationships with and realize now that it's not me- it never was. It is a sad thing : the inability to face loneliness. But not so much that I would ever take advantage of someone because of my own insecurities.

I'm in a good place now, a new place. I am starting fresh. I'm healthy. and I'm learning to find happiness. I'm alone and it's okay.
I actually am learning to like it.

I have my little boy and he's really all I need.