Hello again...

I feel like I've disappeared for awhile. I've been keeping to myself and learning to grow on my own in a new place. But mostly I've been trying to cope with a stigmatized and misunderstood mood disorder that has plagued my consciousness for the last- however many years...

Pregnancy was not my friend. And with it came not only physical, but mental illness. Postpartum was a nightmare- only to be exacerbated by an unfaithful spouse. My divorce sent me reeling and I felt like I was on the brink of insanity for a long time. But here I am now (after seeking proper care) - finally getting a grasp on what I'm dealing with and remembering who I was before bipolar disorder took over my life.

It's 12 am and instead of sleeping I'm writing a blog post (and singing at the top of my lungs/ bouncing off the walls- sorry neighbors). I believe the DSM would define this as a hypomanic episode. Though I've been pretty stable for about two or three months- I've begun to have breakthrough symptoms... I'm grateful that these bouts of mania/depression/mixed states are nothing like what they were just six months ago.

I wish I could put into words what it feels to be in the throws of mania or depression. Occasionally I stumble upon some ramblings in a journal or on my notepad of exactly what I was experiencing in that moment (because writing is a good release for me):

"A hot heavy blanket suffocates me slowly.. It presses and spreads into every corner of my sensibility and blackens all of my perceptions. It condenses all of the oxygen I inhale and fills my chest - and twists and writhes into an unbearable anguish- fiercely morphing from emotional torment to tangible, physical pain.... But I think it's the hollow interstice that's even worse. My mind is so quiet and unprovoked. The only responsiveness stems out of anger or irritability. Nothing is beautiful, nothing is magnificent. Existence simply lingers.... Something is happening though - it is always calm before the storm. And I can sense the impending threat of an unpredictable maniacal episode that is sure to return at a moment's notice..."

It sounds dramatic, even to me who wrote it... But anyone who's experienced it knows..

I've fallen off the radar because I wasn't ready to talk about it (and for the record I still am not), but I really have nothing else to talk about. While I read about my friend's marriages, babies, diy projects,  and achievements - it's all I can do to keep my sanity together. Each day is a struggle.

I have been blessed by a new doctor that has listened to me, wonderful friends, ward, and family members who are forced to listen to me, and Heavenly Father who always listens to me and answers my prayers (even when I don't listen to Him).

I posted this picture on Instagram a few weeks ago:

I captioned it: "Happiness". And while that may seem like a pretty standard picture and caption- it was truly the first time I felt actual happiness (not feigned or manic) in years.

And as I sat in my driveway with my little boy, coloring with sidewalk chalk on a beautiful fall day - I realized that I could feel happiness again despite this awful disorder that has taken over my mind.

And for now- that very simple realization is enough.

(PS. Please be kind. This was real hard to write about.)